"One of these days you will realize how futile your life really is."

Eguh?! O_o

...*quietly disposes of the rest without reading them*

My company is making some big plans. Very big plans. For the entire company. And those plans will need to go into effect soon. There's one caveat, and it's in the above sentences. See it?

I'll give you a few more seconds.

That's right, the verb tense of "is making" indicates that the plans are not yet made. And plans that are not yet made cannot be implemented (without help of a very good psychic). This leaves us a bit out in the weather, being rained on by possibility and uncertainty. So to prepare for whatever those plans become (and also to pass the time), we just make contingency plans. ...Which should be the best job in the world, but when constrained to the mundane world of IT and finance, doesn't quite trigger the awesomeness nerve. I mean, consider this...

Contingency plan - Nationwide manhunt called on me: cold-cock my boss, jack his car, swap license plates with a random employee, drive into Chicago, and really practice my parkour until the heat wears off.

Awesome, right? Now how about...

Contingency plan - Required to now keep a record of all company emails: migrate to Exchange 2007.

Not so awesome. Even if I embellish...

Contingency plan - Required to now keep a record of all company emails: migrate to Exchange 2007, sacrifice an intern in prayer we never get audited.

Almost, but not quite. One more try...

Contingency plan - Required to now keep a record of all company emails: migrate to Exchange 2007, sacrifice an intern in prayer we never get audited, cold-cock my boss.

There! Okay, maybe there's hope for my contingency plans yet. ^_^

I wanted to wish everyone a happy Leap Day and remind you that the next won't be for another 4 years.

Just think about where you were your last Leap Day. Or think about the first one you remember.

...mwahahahaha!

I just realized, 14 hours too late, that last night, all those waterbenders were fucked.

I am taking this banana, and with it, my own life, into my hands.  ...and having it for lunch.

Some people wonder why this is such a feat.  Some people don't fear the banana.  For me, eating a banana is like going skydiving with a random backpack which may or may not contain a parachute: thrilling, with the possibility of a very messy ending.

Best case scenario: It actually contains a wad of $100 bills instead of a banana.
Worst case scenario: I go home early and wish I had a toilet in front of my TV.
Either way: I get potassium!

Never Say Pancakes
More Ironic Than You
Your Favorite Band
O M R
Aw, Boomerang
Ironic Spelling
Not Craig
Carbonated Discontent
Red Forehead
Unkie Moe
Your Kind of Geek
Victory Should Be Naked
Oh God Crabs
Bygger on the Insyde
Weekend in Raxacoricofallapatorius
That Band With The Song
Less Than Three
Thingie
Fiendish Thingie
Pretentious Breakfast
Guess Who Got Rock Band
Saving Throw Vs. Awesome

Me: *nabs a leftover fortune cookie from the lunchroom*

Fortune cookie: "Treat yourself to something special today!"

Me: *noshing*  "Yuck.  Obviously not you."

Fortune cookie: "70 85 67 75 69 82."

Me: "Lucky numbers my foot.  ...wait, did you just call me a fucker in ASCII?"


...No, I don't know latin, so that may very well say, "Fortune favors the monkeys."

Life isn't all fun and games.  Except if you're a genetically engineered blob of pulsing, telekinetic, purple goo in a glass bowl, created as a slave race, with your pleasure center hardwired to "constant orgasm," even if you're telepathically running a 24-hour refueling dock on an remote asteroid on the edge of known civilization and live on the space-age equivalent of fish flakes.

Stats (120pts)

Body 1
Mind 8
Soul 3
 
Attributes (65pts)
 
Combat Technique    1 (2)
  Lightning Reflexes (fast service)
Features            2 (2)
  Parallel Thinking - Can accommodate multiple trains of thought simultaneously and hold multiple, different conversations at the same time.
  USB Port - Can control computers as if sitting at them
Heightened Sense    1 (2)
  Taste
Regeneration        1 (10)
Telekinesis         4 (30)
  Range 4 - 1km (+2)
  Restriction: Cannot lift self (-1)
  Deplete: 1/minute (-3)
Telepathy           1 (11)
  Range 4 - 1km (+2)
  Targets 3 - 10 targets (+3)
Special Defense     2 (2)
  Sleep 2 - Doesn't sleep
Supersense          3 (6)
 1km

Skills (26pts)

Administration      3 (3)
  Accounting
Computers           1 (3)
 
Languages           6 (6)
  Perfect translation of all languages and dialects.
Navigation          6 (12)
  Perfect knowledge of star charts
Piloting            1 (2)
  Space-faring vessels

 
Defects (61pts)
 
Impaired Manipulation 3 (-9)
  No arms.  Just a bowl of purple goo.
Impaired Speech      3 (-9)
  Mo mouth.  Just a bowl of purple goo.
Marked               3 (-3)
  No face.  Just a bowl of purple goo.
Physical Impairment  3 (-9)
  No legs.  Just a bowl of purple goo.
Sensory Impairment   2 (-6)
  No ears, eyes or nose.  Just a bowl of purple goo.  Can taste and feel, though.  Likes fish flakes.
Special Requirement  1 (-2)
  Friends for life with his fishbowl.
Unappealing          3 (-3)
  No sex appeal.  Just a bowl of purple goo.
Small                1 (-20)
  Mass /2  Height /8
  Lifting capacity /10
  Running speed /2
  -4 to all damage delivered
  +4 to all damage received
  +1 to hit w/ ranged
  +1 to defense vs. ranged
  +2 to hit w/ thrown weapons

Me: *looks at the window* Ah, my arch-nemesis, we meet again...

Writing: *hauls himself up onto the sill, brandishing a rapier in his black fencing gloves* I've finally caught up to you. It's been too long.

Me: Funny, it seems you're never that far behind--

Writing: *interrupts* You cannot escape me, you languid bog-sloth. *steps into the room*

Me: *backs up; placatingly* I'm not escaping, I just... forget.

Writing: You can only "conveniently" forget for so long before there's a reckoning. *levels the rapier at the retreating man's throat*

Me: ... *glances warily at the pointed weapon* That's hardly sporting...

Writing: *shrugs* I've found it's more effective than a bic. Wouldn't you agree? *feints a lunge forward*

Me: *dodges with a foppish yelp*